Changes For My Third Draft

I changed a couple of things for my third draft. First of all, I had to change my introduction. I thought that it was too long, so I shorten it. That made the essay less boring, but informal. That way, I think I can make the readers understand the essay better, and convince them easier. I also changed my examples in my body paragraphs. I had a lot of personal experiences as examples, but I thought that if I can add more of what other people think about the topic, I can make the essay more persuasive, so I added an opinion about what other people think about the afternoon activities. For one of my body paragraphs, I also talked more about the experience I have gained while doinf the afternoon activities.